I read an article earlier today, and she said 'I didn't expect for my heart, who for so long desired to be a mother, to feel constantly divided into two pieces. One piece devoted to my children and the kind of mother I want to be; the other part constantly wanting to find that woman that I was before I became "mom".' this hit me like a punch to the gut. I have been struggling with this a lot this week. Those who know me well know that I am usually a pretty fierce 'give no fucks' kinda girl. Staunchly body positive, proud of being me. This week I have not felt this at all.
I've been hating on my post partum body. My boobs are larger, and more sagging. The shape of my belly is forever changed, and I am not used to its new shape yet. I feel frumpy. I haven't been able to wear 95% of my wardrobe because none of it accommodates breastfeeding. So, I've been living in clothing that isn't me. I don't feel like me. I'm used to feeling fierce and positive because I'm used to looking that way. Knowing that what I had on fit well, looked good, and was ME.
Also, my body isn't my own anymore. I spend at least 22 hours a day sharing it with my offspring. Even now as I write this she is curled into me, her whole tiny little body pressed tightly into mine, sweetly sleeping. I have never craved time on my own more. Which brings up a whole other range of guilty feelings.
So, after having a cry in the (rare) shower, I decided to consult my person. She reminded me that it takes a village. That it's ok to demand help from my village. That it's ok to get exasperated and feeling overwhelmed sometimes. That I am allowed to find this hard. Because babies are hard. They take absolutely everything. And parenting is hard. She reminded me that 'good' parenting isn't made up of one 'good' moment and that one 'bad' moment doesn't make me a 'bad' parent. That experiencing the bad moments will help me learn and grow and be a better mother.
Asking for help is not an admittance of failure. It is a sign of strength. It is strong to recognise you need help and strong to ask for it. It is hard to navigate this new role. I am still finding out how being 'me' and being 'mum' fit together. And thats ok. I've only been 'mum' for 10 months. So while I may feel a bit of 'me' is lost, being 'mum' filled in a space I didn't even know was empty. Swelled my heart to a size I didn't know existed.
