My daughter, the love of my life, is turning one tomorrow. In just a few short hours. I didn't expect these emotions around that. The old adage is true, the days are long, but there years are short. Where did that year go? My baby is morphing into a little girl before my eyes. And I am woefully unprepared.
We are having a birthday party tomorrow, and I've come to realise that it is not only about celebrating Tilly, but it is about celebrating me. I made it an entire year being a Mum. I made it through the 100 days of darkness. Those first 3 or so months where you are chained to one spot with a baby attached to your boob. Where the days just bleed in to each other and you don't know if you are coming or going. Those incredibly lonely, hard days. I survived learning how to breastfeed (and we are still going strong) I survived lip and tongue tie release. I survived getting 6 teeth at once. I survived the falls. I survived the tantrums, the poonamis and the hatred of the car seat. I learnt that I absolutely did not know love until now. I mean, I thought I did, but having Tilly has swelled my heart to three times it's size. I learnt that a part of me had been missing, and I didn't even know it. I have learnt that I have a beautiful, smart, funny, loving daughter. I have learnt that material things don't matter. I have learnt to declutter. Seriously, I have gotten rid of some much stuff. I have learnt I care about waste, and I use as much reusable stuff as I can (cloth breastpads cloth nappies, cloth wipes, cloth menstrual pads, beeswax food wrap, unpaper towels) I have learnt a deeper compassion for people. A deeper appreciation for my parents. I learnt appreciation for every parent. You just don't get it until you live it. I get it now. Parenthood changes you. Motherhood changes you. I am forever changed. In a way I never expected. It's been the hardest year of my life, by far. It has tested me. Pushed me to my limits and beyond. I have cried harder, been sadder, been more lonely, and loved fiercer than I ever have in my life. And I would not change a single thing. The hardest thing for me is what I mentioned in my last post. How to be 'Me' and 'Mum'. How they fit together. And I'm still figuring it out. I'm getting better at it. Sure, I probably haven't showered in 4 days. I probably had chicken nuggets for dinner 2 nights in a row and I almost certainly have breastmilk on my shirt, but I'm kinda proud of that. In a weird way.
So, while Tilly won't remember her first birthday party, I will. Because it's a celebration of me as well. It's an anniversary for me to look back and remember that I made it through that really hard first year too. And that I'll make it through all the other hard times. And the easy ones.
I felt for a while there that I was complaining too much. That I was asking for too much help. Struggling too much. But I wasn't. I kept needing to be reminded that IT IS HARD. That it does take a village. I laid it all out for Jesse, that I was struggling. I needed help. I couldn't spend all day nurturing a tiny mind, feeding, loving, getting frustrated with, bathing, bedding, and everything that comes along in the day of a Mum. I couldn't do all that, AND be a good wife AND study full time AND run a business. I needed help. I needed his help. I know he works long hours. I know he works hard so that I can stay home and be a Mum. But I needed more from him. I felt bad asking for that. I felt like I should be able to do all those things. That it wasn't fair for me to ask. But it was. He didn't mind. He just didn't know I needed more because I didn't tell him. Now I have, he is giving it. So Mums, ask for what you need!! Sometimes, I need an afternoon on my own. I ask for it. My parents come and take her out. It's good for both of us.
We are having a birthday party tomorrow, and I've come to realise that it is not only about celebrating Tilly, but it is about celebrating me. I made it an entire year being a Mum. I made it through the 100 days of darkness. Those first 3 or so months where you are chained to one spot with a baby attached to your boob. Where the days just bleed in to each other and you don't know if you are coming or going. Those incredibly lonely, hard days. I survived learning how to breastfeed (and we are still going strong) I survived lip and tongue tie release. I survived getting 6 teeth at once. I survived the falls. I survived the tantrums, the poonamis and the hatred of the car seat. I learnt that I absolutely did not know love until now. I mean, I thought I did, but having Tilly has swelled my heart to three times it's size. I learnt that a part of me had been missing, and I didn't even know it. I have learnt that I have a beautiful, smart, funny, loving daughter. I have learnt that material things don't matter. I have learnt to declutter. Seriously, I have gotten rid of some much stuff. I have learnt I care about waste, and I use as much reusable stuff as I can (cloth breastpads cloth nappies, cloth wipes, cloth menstrual pads, beeswax food wrap, unpaper towels) I have learnt a deeper compassion for people. A deeper appreciation for my parents. I learnt appreciation for every parent. You just don't get it until you live it. I get it now. Parenthood changes you. Motherhood changes you. I am forever changed. In a way I never expected. It's been the hardest year of my life, by far. It has tested me. Pushed me to my limits and beyond. I have cried harder, been sadder, been more lonely, and loved fiercer than I ever have in my life. And I would not change a single thing. The hardest thing for me is what I mentioned in my last post. How to be 'Me' and 'Mum'. How they fit together. And I'm still figuring it out. I'm getting better at it. Sure, I probably haven't showered in 4 days. I probably had chicken nuggets for dinner 2 nights in a row and I almost certainly have breastmilk on my shirt, but I'm kinda proud of that. In a weird way.
So, while Tilly won't remember her first birthday party, I will. Because it's a celebration of me as well. It's an anniversary for me to look back and remember that I made it through that really hard first year too. And that I'll make it through all the other hard times. And the easy ones.
I felt for a while there that I was complaining too much. That I was asking for too much help. Struggling too much. But I wasn't. I kept needing to be reminded that IT IS HARD. That it does take a village. I laid it all out for Jesse, that I was struggling. I needed help. I couldn't spend all day nurturing a tiny mind, feeding, loving, getting frustrated with, bathing, bedding, and everything that comes along in the day of a Mum. I couldn't do all that, AND be a good wife AND study full time AND run a business. I needed help. I needed his help. I know he works long hours. I know he works hard so that I can stay home and be a Mum. But I needed more from him. I felt bad asking for that. I felt like I should be able to do all those things. That it wasn't fair for me to ask. But it was. He didn't mind. He just didn't know I needed more because I didn't tell him. Now I have, he is giving it. So Mums, ask for what you need!! Sometimes, I need an afternoon on my own. I ask for it. My parents come and take her out. It's good for both of us.
Yeah, I've learnt a lot in my first year of being a Mum.
So here is to every other Mum out there. Thank you. You're doing a great job. You are enough. You love enough. You give enough. You are the entire world to someone. And that's a tough gig. Mum's are badass.
So here is to every other Mum out there. Thank you. You're doing a great job. You are enough. You love enough. You give enough. You are the entire world to someone. And that's a tough gig. Mum's are badass.
