I Cry. A Lot.

I came home last night and wrote a whole post about how hard my day had been. I had had a rough week. Matilda is going through some separation anxiety. She is starting to realise that we are separate people, and that I can go away. She is learning about object permanence. Last Monday she started screaming if she couldn't see me, or if I wasn't holding her. She has always been a bit of a Velcro baby, but this was worse. As the week progressed, she got better. By my responding to her, she is learning that I will come back. Today she spent a huge amount of time with her Dad, thank goodness.

It can be really hard when she is like that. It's not just physically exhausting, it's mentally and emotionally exhausting as well. I always have to be 'on'. It got to the point yesterday where if I had had to sing 12345 once I caught a fish alive one more time I was going to scream. I cried a lot when I got home. A lot. I was so tired. She hadn't let me put her in the bath for about 2 weeks, she just screamed. Last night, she cried but she let me put her in the bath and she was enjoying it again, so I let her stay in the bath until the water went cold and I sat there and cried because I was so tired emotionally and physically tired. I let her stay in the bath till the water went cold because I knew when I took her out of the bath and put her on a change table to dress her she would start to cry and I just couldn't handle the crying anymore and when I took her out of the bath and walked into her room she started to cry, because she knew that I was going to put her on her change table. I got her dressed and we went to bed. We have a bit of a bedtime routine, if it's bath night then bath, massage, bit of a play on the bed, book, nurse to sleep. So I took my crying baby and put her on her tummy on the bed and she started laughing and playing. I couldn't believe it. And, I was still crying. Mostly from exhaustion. We read our books and nursed to sleep. She even let me ninja out and eat dinner and watch a whole movie with Jesse. Something that I've only been able to be in recent weeks.

Today was good. Every day is and will be, different. Some days are easier and some days are so fucking hard. Yesterday I felt I was on my own. I felt like not one person understood. That everyone thought I was doing everything wrong, deciding not to go back to work, wearing her in a woven wrap even though it takes a bit of effort to wrap it, because she likes it and it settles her, and that I was being a selfish shit mum (except Jesse) and I was crying about that too. I felt so lonely. I felt like we were a burden. Motherhood is really hard. It's far harder than you ever imagine it's going to be. I cry. A lot. 

Today was good. I got to shower and wash my hair. Something I used to take for granted.

And now my little love is fast asleep next to me. One hand reaches out every now and again just to make sure I'm still here. When I finish writing, I'll roll over and she will snuggle herself into me for the night. And there is nowhere else I'd rather be.